Some years back after some big life shifts, I began to take time (real conscious awareness time) to look at who I thought I was. After some meditative inquiry, body talk practice, and writing, I found myself dismantling my "self built fortress" that I righteously flagged "ME."
I sensed at this point that there was no turning back, and since I had all the tools to build it, I must have all the tools to take it down.
I longed to recapture my authentic self from my fortress.
I trusted that I already had elements of my authentic self that were present within, and I certainly am grateful for those parts I already share in the world, but I yearned for more because I was hungry to live more honestly and passionately, trust in self liberation, and commit to end suffering for myself and others.
I was also aware that I had to start in my own body, mind, and psyche. Some elements of myself seemed easy and obvious, and transformed smoothly into my opening heart; other parts felt angry and discarded and wanted to be heard. I spent many moments calling them out. I would visually embrace them, tell them how much they are loved, and welcome them back. The hardest, and still ongoing, is the old past conditioning. I discovered that I had fashioned my life through fear, thinking I needed to survive in a world that was unkind and unfair, creating ways to get my needs met and feel safe.
Many truths were shattered; a lot of vulnerable and emotional moments played out. In my self- inquiring, at times I forced my way into places I had expertly buried or discarded. And if that did not fish them out, I would create a situation or a mirror from someone outside myself to offer me this inside view of my being. Was I willing to see it? Well, not always, but today because my fortress is smaller, I can see with many eyes, feel with sensory awareness through my body, trust my intuition, and be open to divine source. Now I am recreating these thoughts, actions, projections, and feelings; allowing them to come from my inner wise woman, breathing deeper into trust, and letting my heart flower fully in the face of fear.
Gifting myself with good self-care, yoga, artful creativity, connection with nature, practicing and teaching Tantra, and living authentically and passionately…these are my medicines for life and love.
To date I feel heartfelt and grateful for all the ways that life has offered up these lessons of love, and all the faces it has expressed through.
I am blessed and loved, and I thrive in abundance.